DON'T Go to Florida!

Howdy y’all!

Last month I spent a week of vacation in Florida. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, but like a lot of things, I needed some time to properly digest it before I could write about it. I went by myself because after going through a medical scare I needed some quiet time to sit & stare at the beach. I also hoped to fulfill a lifelong dream of seeing manatees in the wild (as wild as manatees actually get, which as it turns out, is not very. Turns out a manatee is about as wild as my Aunt Betty at teatime).

All I have to say about going to Florida is, DON’T. It’s AWFUL there. Don’t even bother going, you wouldn’t like it! I mean sure, there’s sugary white beaches, blooming tropical flowers, exotic birds and lizards, blah blah blah. But don’t be fooled, it’s really an awful place. The sun there is way too strong; the ocean breezes & salt spray chaps your skin, and the sand wedges into every place it can in your clothes & body, and refuses to come out. There is a dizzying variety of ethnic, Southern and seafood that seduces you into eating way, way, WAY too much. The locals in the areas I saw were suspiciously relaxed; there must be some kind of medication in the sweet tea. Do I even need to mention that alligators roam freely about the state?

Even worse than alligators are the cranky retirees with nothing better to do than sit and watch their unmarked private beach walkover all day, waiting for some poor unsuspecting tourist to use it so they can yell at them. Or the special Florida flavor of Jimmy Buffet-inspired hippies, living in Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops while you are thinking about going back to your gray corporate cubicle on Monday. Then there are drunk people who think that being away from home feeling entitles them to behave like total asses, and as an extension, who will think you want to see them naked.

Worst of all is the hangover you’re left with going back home to Oklahoma--oil wells, tumbleweeds and cows? What happened to the flamingos, and the live oaks dripping with Spanish moss? But don’t take my word for it, look at my pictures on flickr & see for yourself. And if someone tells you to go to Florida, don’t fall for it. Uh-unh, no way. If you MUST, maybe go to Tampa or Miami. Certainly don’t go to the quaint little unspoiled towns around the panhandle area--and if you must, for the love of GOD please don’t tell anyone about it. Shhhhhhhhh.

Don’t go to Florida! It will only break your heart.

Greetings from Wisconsin - Part I

Hello from the America's Dairyland and the Badger State! I'm just north of Milwaukee attending a class this week. I flew up on Friday & spent the weekend exploring. Having never been here before I can't speak with much authority about the place, but I do have a few impressions: the landscape is beautiful and green right now, with velvety grassy meadows and many lovely mature hardwood trees. They don't have the mostly brick construction that you seen in OKC or KC--instead, there is more hardwood or limestone. There seems to be an unusually large number of big, ornate churches. I was expecting the Lutherans, but turns out the Catholics also have a large presence here. Another thing that's a little eerie, I haven't seen a SINGLE WALMART in 3 days here. My southern friends know how strange that feels.

As soon as you get outside of town you see one picturesque farm after another. They almost all have huge barns, several grain silos & some even have actual corn cribs (something I thought only existed in sappy country-western music). There are alot more blonde-haired fair skinned people than i've seen anywhere else. I knew the German, Polish & Scandinavian immigrants had settled here, but didn't realize the Irish & Italian had left a big impression as well. It still seems to be a very cosmopolitan place now: walking around downtown Milwaukee I heard 20+ languages in one afternoon.

One very noticeable thing. The natives here definitely seem to have a distinct personality. It's hard to articulate but they seem very somber and unsmiling. Many of them have been talkative without being particularly friendly. Hmm, maybe that's what "salt of the earth" means. Speaking of salt, the regional food seems rather bland but tries to make up for it with extra cream and butter. Also, the drivers here are surprisingly impatient! Apparently driving the speed limit really pisses people off.

A small aside, my rental car smells like fish, & i'm still on the fence about whether it's worth returning before this Friday. It's not too bad in the cabin, but if you open the trunk after it's been sitting in the sun, it just about knocks you over. My question is, has it reached the point of maximum fishiness, & now will start to smell better? Or is it still on a plateau, or God forbid, upward curve. We'll see. Stand by for part II....